Understanding why I became anxiously attached was just the first step. Actually healing it? That’s a whole different process.

Growing up with narcissistic abuse taught my nervous system that love was unpredictable, here one moment, gone the next. It trained me to stay alert, to scan for signs of disconnection, and to assume that love could be taken away at any time. Learning this helped me stop blaming myself. But knowing why didn’t magically make relationships feel safe.

Healing anxious attachment has been slow and layered, with a lot of unlearning along the way. This is what it looks like for me right now.

Learning to regulate before I react

One thing I’m realizing is how much anxious attachment lives in the body. When I sense distance or uncertainty, my nervous system reacts instantly:

•    racing thoughts

•    panic

•    the urge to reach out, explain, fix, or hold on tighter

For a long time, I thought this meant something was wrong with me. Now I understand these reactions are learned stress responses, not character flaws.

So I’m practicing something new:

Pausing. Not ignoring my feelings, just slowing them down. Breathing. Grounding. Waiting before responding. Teaching my body that silence doesn’t automatically mean abandonment.

Separating intuition from trauma

This part has been really hard. For years, every uncomfortable feeling felt urgent and true. If I felt anxious, I assumed it meant something bad was happening.

But trauma can make fear feel like intuition. So now I ask myself:

•    Is this coming from the present — or the past?

•    Am I reacting to this person — or to someone who hurt me before?

That pause has helped me stop chasing people who feel familiar but unsafe.

Choosing consistency over intensity

This one hit me deeply: What I used to call “chemistry” was often anxiety. The highs and lows. The uncertainty. The emotional rollercoaster. That kind of intensity felt normal to my nervous system — even though it wasn’t healthy.

Healing has meant learning to sit with something that once felt unfamiliar:

•    calm

•    steadiness

•    consistency

At first, it felt boring. Now, it feels peaceful.

Learning that boundaries aren’t abandonment

Growing up, I learned that having needs could cost me love. So as an adult, boundaries felt terrifying, mine or anyone else’s. I’m slowly learning that:

•    Saying no doesn’t mean I’ll be rejected

•    Needing space doesn’t mean I’ll be left

•    Someone else’s boundary isn’t a punishment

Boundaries don’t end connection. They make it safer.

Reparenting the part of me that’s still afraid

There’s a younger part of me that learned love was fragile. When I get triggered, I try to meet that part with compassion instead of judgment. I remind myself:

“You’re safe right now.”

“You don’t have to earn love.”

“You’re allowed to take up space.”

I’m learning that secure attachment can be built, slowly, through safe, consistent relationships. Including the relationship I have with myself.

I’m becoming that safety.

Peace in Progress

Healing anxious attachment after narcissistic abuse isn’t linear. Some days I respond calmly. Some days old fears show up again.

But every time I choose awareness over self-blame, I’m breaking the cycle. Peace in Progress doesn’t mean I’m fully healed.

It means I’m listening.

Learning.

Choosing differently, one moment at a time.

And that’s enough.